6 Principles for Empowering Children to Sleep Alone
Many parents struggle with getting their children to sleep alone, especially if they suffer from sleep anxiety or fear of the dark. While it is natural for children to seek comfort and security from their parents, it is also important for them to develop independence and confidence in sleeping by themselves. In this article, we will explore some of the reasons why children may have difficulty sleeping alone, and share six principles that can help parents empower their children to overcome their fears and sleep peacefully in their own beds. We will also answer some frequently asked questions about sleep anxiety in children, and provide some useful resources for further reading.
In this article, you will learn about:
- Why Can’t Children Sleep Alone?
- 6 Principles
- Not accompanying them to sleep and then leaving
- Not criticizing the child for not being brave
- Not denying their fears
- Taking fear seriously
- Letting the child choose a comforting item
- Helping the child find ways to enhance security
- Stick to Principles and Praise the Child’s Progress
Table of Contents
- Why Can’t Children Sleep Alone?
- 6 Principles
- Stick to Principles and Praise the Child’s Progress
- Frequently Asked Questions
- Reference
Why Can’t Children Sleep Alone?
Many children struggle with sleeping by themselves and experience various fears and worries. This is a natural part of their development! As children mature, they develop a more vivid imagination and a better awareness of potential threats. Sleeping is a time when they feel most “exposed” and “defenseless,” so they instinctively look for comfort and safety from their parents or caregivers.
6 Principles
Not accompanying them to sleep and then leaving
The main reason is that children don’t learn to sleep independently, and they still fear being alone in the room. To encourage independent sleep, parents can make various promises, such as assuring the child that they are just outside, leaving the door slightly ajar, and if the child calls, they will come over. There are many solutions, but the key is not to accompany them until they fall asleep and then sneak away. This can make the child feel betrayed and insecure, and increase their anxiety about sleeping alone.
Not criticizing the child for not being brave
Children experience fear and anxiety, and when adults provide negative criticism, it doesn’t motivate the child; instead, it may worsen their emotional state. When adults say a child is not brave because they won’t sleep alone, the child might interpret it as implying that sleeping alone requires courage, sparking more fear and doubt in their minds. This can also damage the child’s self-esteem and self-confidence, making them feel inadequate or ashamed.
Instead of criticizing the child for not being brave, parents should empathize with the child and acknowledge their feelings. They should also praise the child for their efforts and achievements, no matter how small or gradual. For example, parents can say, “I know you are scared of sleeping alone, and that’s okay. You are brave for trying, and I’m proud of you for that.” This can help the child feel more supported and encouraged, and boost their self-esteem and self-confidence.
Not denying their fears
Children’s reasons for not wanting to sleep are often imaginative and may be related to TV shows, picture books, or other experiences. Adults often directly tell the child, “There’s nothing to be afraid of; you’re just imagining things.” At this point, the child often continues to argue because they need to feel heard before they can accept others’ words. It’s advised not to directly deny the child; instead, make them feel respected. For example, say, “Oh, so that’s the devil’s eyes. Let’s think about how to chase the devil away together.”
Denying the child’s fears can make them feel invalidated and misunderstood, which can increase their anxiety and resistance to sleeping alone. According to a study by Price et al. (2019), parents of anxious children are more likely to perceive their children as engaging in behavioral sleep-related problems compared to parents of non-anxious children. Therefore, it is important to acknowledge the child’s feelings and help them cope with their fears in a supportive and empathetic way.
| Do | Don’t |
|---|---|
| Listen to the child’s fears and show understanding. | Dismiss the child’s fears and tell them to stop being silly. |
| Help the child find solutions to overcome their fears. | Ignore the child’s fears and leave them alone. |
| Praise the child for being brave and trying to sleep alone. | Criticize the child for being scared and dependent. |
Taking fear seriously
Parents should empathize with the child’s fear because over 73% of children aged 4 to 12 express feeling scared at night. They need adults to understand their fear rather than dismiss it by saying, “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” Patience and communication are key to helping the child overcome their anxiety. Parents can ask the child what they are afraid of and listen attentively to their answers. Parents can also share their own experiences of being afraid as a child and how they coped with it. This can help the child feel less alone and more confident.
Letting the child choose a comforting item
Children can choose a night light or a superhero action figure to accompany them to sleep. Parents can also give them a “superpower” item and create stories about its protective abilities. Additionally, tactile toys or soothing blankets can help children fall asleep faster and feel more secure. Research has shown that having a transitional object, such as a stuffed animal or a blanket, can reduce anxiety and promote attachment in children. These items can also serve as a reminder of the parent’s presence and love, especially if they are personalized or have the parent’s scent.
Helping the child find ways to enhance security
This is the most important point. Parents should empathize with the child’s fear and work together to find ways to enhance security. It could be using a special chant, “defeating” monsters, or discussing activities that help the child relax when feeling scared. Training a child to sleep independently should involve a regular, reassuring sleep routine. Pay attention to the child’s sleepiness and ensure they truly feel sleepy before going to bed to avoid spending too much time in bed, increasing fear. To foster sleepiness, monitor the child’s waking time and daytime activity level. During this time, praise the child’s strengths to boost their self-confidence and resilience. According to cognitive-behavioral therapy, changing the child’s negative thoughts and beliefs about sleep can also improve their sleep quality and reduce anxiety. For example, parents can help the child challenge unrealistic fears, such as “something bad will happen if I sleep alone”, and replace them with positive affirmations, such as “I am safe and brave in my bed”.
Stick to Principles and Praise the Child’s Progress
Finally, during the process of practicing independent sleep, there will undoubtedly be challenges, such as the child repeatedly wanting you or asking you to come in earlier. Remember not to easily change the principles. Avoid engaging in arguments about the child’s requests. Instead, change the topic and praise the child, acknowledging their efforts and progress. For example, “You were great yesterday! Mom came in later to check on you and you were already asleep. I’m so proud of you!” Positive reinforcement can motivate the child to continue the behavior and increase their sense of achievement. However, do not use rewards or punishments to manipulate the child’s sleep behavior, as this may backfire and create more anxiety or resentment. The goal is to help the child develop a healthy and positive attitude towards sleep, not to coerce them into compliance.
Frequently Asked Questions
Many parents may have some questions about sleep anxiety in children and how to deal with it effectively. Here are some common questions and answers that may help you understand and support your child better.
| Question | Answer |
|---|---|
| How common is sleep anxiety in children? | Sleep anxiety is a fairly common condition that affects about 10% to 40% of children at some point in their lives. It can occur at any age, but it is more prevalent among preschoolers and school-aged children. Sleep anxiety can be triggered by various factors, such as stress, trauma, changes in routine, separation from parents, fear of the dark, or nightmares. |
| What are some signs of sleep anxiety in children? | Some signs of sleep anxiety in children include: Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep Frequent waking up at night or early in the morning Resistance or refusal to go to bed or sleep alone Needing a parent or caregiver to stay with them until they fall asleep Having nightmares or night terrors Complaining of physical symptoms, such as stomachaches, headaches, or chest pain Being irritable, moody, or tired during the day Having trouble concentrating or performing at school |
| How can I help my child cope with nightmares? | Nightmares are unpleasant or scary dreams that can cause distress and fear in children. They are normal and common, especially between the ages of 3 and 6. However, if nightmares are frequent or interfere with your child’s sleep quality, you may want to try some of the following strategies to help them cope: Reassure your child that nightmares are not real and that they are safe Encourage your child to talk about their nightmare and how it made them feel Help your child to reframe or rewrite their nightmare into a positive or funny story Teach your child some relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or guided imagery Create a calm and soothing bedtime routine that includes reading, listening to music, or cuddling Avoid exposing your child to scary or violent media, such as movies, books, or games, especially before bed Make sure your child’s bedroom is comfortable, dark, quiet, and cool If your child wakes up from a nightmare, comfort them and help them settle back to sleep If nightmares persist or cause significant distress, consult your pediatrician or a mental health professional |
| How long does it take for a child to overcome sleep anxiety? | There is no definitive answer to how long it takes for a child to overcome sleep anxiety, as it depends on various factors, such as the severity of the anxiety, the underlying cause, the child’s personality, and the support they receive. However, some studies have suggested that with consistent and positive interventions, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), most children can improve their sleep quality and reduce their anxiety within 6 to 12 weeks. CBT is a type of psychotherapy that helps children identify and challenge their negative thoughts and beliefs about sleep, and learn coping skills and relaxation techniques to manage their anxiety. CBT has been shown to be effective and safe for treating sleep anxiety in children, as well as other sleep problems, such as insomnia, night terrors, or sleepwalking. |
Reference
- Price, T. E., Farrell, L. J., Donovan, C. L., & Waters, A. M. (2019). Behavioral sleep-related problems in clinically anxious children: A parent-report diary study. Child Psychiatry & Human Development, 50(5), 746-755.
- Alfano, C. A., & Gamble, A. L. (2009). The role of sleep in childhood psychiatric disorders. Child Youth Care Forum, 38(6), 327-340.
- Gregory, A. M., & O’Connor, T. G. (2002). Sleep problems in childhood: a longitudinal study of developmental change and association with behavioral problems. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 41(8), 964-971.
- Mindell, J. A., & Owens, J. A. (2015). A clinical guide to pediatric sleep: diagnosis and management of sleep problems. Lippincott Williams & Wilkins.
- Ollendick, T. H., & Benoit, K. E. (2012). A parent–child interactional model of social anxiety disorder in youth. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 15(2), 81-91.
- Waters, A. M., & Schilpzand, E. J. (2013). Cognitive-behavioral therapy for child anxiety disorders: a review of recent advances. Current Psychiatry Reports, 15(7), 370.
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