5 Signs You're a People-Pleaser and How to Overcome It

When you can go beyond the ego, you break free from self-absorbed habits that can damage your health. However, swinging to the other extreme, where too much kindness becomes destructive, can also be harmful. Family and marriage therapist Darlene Lancer explains that people-pleasing habits often originate in childhood. If you feel you always had to accommodate others, it might stem from parents who withheld love, imposed impossible expectations, or used unfair disciplinary methods. Here are five signs that you might be a people-pleaser and how you can address them.

1. You Agree with Others to Avoid Conflict

Do you keep your political beliefs to yourself or go along with family traditions even if you dislike them? Agreeing with others just to make them happy can lead to personal discomfort and dissatisfaction. While it may seem like a way to avoid conflicts, it often results in losing friends or facing domestic quarrels when you eventually express your true opinions. Embracing self-expression and being honest about your values can help you identify true friends and participate more actively in decision-making, ultimately leading to greater personal satisfaction.

2. Saying No is a Challenge

Are you constantly overwhelmed because you're taking on more projects than you can handle? It's important to pause and consider when you last gave yourself a break. While helping others and being reliable is commendable, your own goals, dreams, and health are equally important. It's perfectly okay to cancel plans or prioritize your own work. Remember, taking care of yourself doesn't make you a bad person; it’s a necessary step towards maintaining balance and well-being.

3. Helping Others Makes You Feel Resentful

Research shows that compassion can enhance your sense of purpose and connection to your community. However, if helping others leads to burnout and resentment, it’s crucial to reflect on your motivations. Psychotherapist Sharon Martin advises paying attention to whether you're helping out of genuine desire or obligation. If you're feeling overwhelmed, it might be time to reassess and make changes to prevent burnout and maintain your own well-being.

4. You're Hard on Yourself

Overbearing parents with high demands can increase the likelihood of becoming a people-pleaser. If you find yourself excessively critical of your mistakes and striving for perfection, you're likely experiencing perfectionism. Psychologists Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill define perfectionism as an irrational desire for achievement combined with being overly critical of oneself and others. Instead of aiming for perfection, focus on your strengths and practice mindfulness to build resilience and a healthier self-image.

5. You Pretend Everything is Fine When It’s Not

When you overextend yourself, are hard on yourself, and agree with others to avoid conflict, you might bottle up your true feelings. This can make it difficult for people to connect with you authentically. Pretending everything is fine while you’re hurting inside prevents genuine relationships and can lead to sustained, artificial connections. It’s essential to be vulnerable and openly discuss your feelings to form deeper, more meaningful relationships.

Addressing these signs and working towards healthier behaviors can help you break free from people-pleasing habits and build more fulfilling relationships. Remember, it's never too late to make changes for a better, more balanced life.

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